Halb vier issue 10
Earlier in the year, I started following Halb Vier on Twitter.
Like most things, I can’t remember how I actually got to that point, or what happened next, but I ended up writing an article for Feargal which appeared in Issue 10.
Halb Vier is a magazine run for people just like me. English-speaking Bundesliga fans. Feargal does an amazing job curating all the articles and getting us all organised.
If you fancy reading it, the issues are available to purchase here.
They say there are no such things as coincidences, and in my case, maybe it really is true. If you’d had said to me at the start of November 2021 that I’d be a co-founder of a peer support group for Borussia Dortmund fans offering a space to talk about mental health, I would have never believed you.
But I am and this is our story.
I am going to admit up front to not being a serious football fan for a long time. I’d flirted with the game a few times just after the formation of the Premier League in England, but I would have never called myself a real fan. Not even in 2010 when I started to follow BVB would I have said that I was a die-hard fan. What I would have told you, quite regularly, was that I had mental health problems. Ironically when I sat down to start writing this, I realised that the start of the Premier League in 1992 coincided with my official diagnosis of depression. By the time Blackburn won the title, I was suicidal and in a really bad way. My mental health has been an interesting journey since those dark days. Somehow football and mental health now are inextricably linked.
So what has this got to do with German football?
During lockdown and the pandemic, the Bundesliga, particularly BVB became the thing that kept me sane. Watching the matches and keeping up with the comings and goings of the squad was far more interesting than being stuck in my house in Manchester.
Writing this now, it sounds a bit crazy saying that the combination of the pandemic and BVB saved my sanity, but it’s true. It was something in the calendar that was regular, so it gave me something to focus on. It's similar to exercise or other hobbies. Having that regularity but also a sense of community meant so much.
So much so, that at the start of November, I started to become a lot more active on Twitter and began to interact with more of the BVB fanbase. Nothing too serious, just chipping in now and then, until one day I saw a tweet about someone needing some support. It quite literally stopped me in my tracks.
That tweet was from @blackyellow, the official Borussia Dortmund English language account. That someone was Derek.
Derek was having a really bad time, but for some reason, I felt compelled to reach out and message him. He was in a really dark place, a place that I knew only too well and had visited many times. Whilst I didn’t have experience of his exact circumstances, I really wanted to let him know he wasn’t alone. I’d seen other people tweeting about their mental health before, but something about Derek was different. I could literally feel what he was going through when I read his tweets. So I messaged him. We started to chat a little, he told me some of how he was feeling and I supported him as much I could from the other side of a phone screen.
So far so normal, right?
By the end of November and I was starting to get a bit brave with this whole replying-to-people-in-the-football-community thing! I responded to another tweet from someone talking about mental health. I am sure you can see a theme coming here?
That someone was Jan.
Jan had posted about November being Men's Mental Health Month, and no one knew that it was. Except I did, so I told him! (then panicked, as you do when you have anxiety!) A fair few messages later, we decided we needed to do something about all this and an idea hit us. Of course, we had to get Derek involved, after all, he was the one that had sparked this whole new aspect of being a fan for me.
That ‘little’ idea was a support network for Dortmund fans who needed space to talk and The Invisible Wall was born.
It’s worth mentioning that this is a global affair. With Derek in the US, Jan in Germany and me in the UK we’re a disparate bunch, but somehow this all seemed to work. Our experiences of mental health were similar, as was our passion to do something about it. Not only are we global in terms of admins, but we also have followers from all over the world.
Right now we’re all about providing a space to talk. The love of Borussia Dortmund is what started this whole project off, and it’s the common thread that is very much a part of the process where people open up with how they feel.
It’s not uncommon for people to message us on match day, after either a loss or a win to chat about the game. But then often that talk will turn into something else. Perhaps they’re having relationship issues, work issues or are feeling low, it can literally be anything. To us, nothing is off-limits. We just listen.
For a lot of people, that is what they are missing.
It’s a sad fact that men struggle more to open up about their mental health. Men may talk to their friends if they’ve had a bad day. Perhaps to their partner if things are a little more serious. But when it comes to being in crisis, so we’re talking suicide ideation and severe depression, they often keep quiet. Sadly people may only find out a loved one has a mental health issue when it’s far too late.
As a woman, I’ve often felt like I am encroaching on someone else’s space by being so vocal about men’s mental health. But actually just the fact that I am there to listen is all that really matters. Perhaps the fact that I have lived with depression and anxiety for over 30 years helps too? But ultimately, we’re finding what we are doing makes it easier for people to open up because of the semi-anonymity of it all. Whilst we always let people know who they’re talking to, they are not having to look at the whites of our eyes, and that somehow helps.
But, there are so many more people involved in this story than just us three. We have a core of followers who re-tweet our posts, mention us to others and generally support us. They are what has helped us to grow and keep going when our own lives have been tough. I have to admit we’ve had a fair few pinch-me moments too in the few short months we’ve been going.
First up was putting the word out that we needed a designer for our logo and banners. The response was amazing, and we’re really proud of getting @Attila to support us with that. It was really important we had the right image for what we were doing. We’re so pleased with our artwork, it’s now going to appear on hoodies, but more of that later.
The biggest moment was BVB wanting to be involved. Derek messaged @blackyellow to let them know what we were doing. We didn’t expect a reply, but when they said that they loved what we were doing, you can imagine the excitement, pride and quite frankly the amount of swearing when reading the news! Our plan from the beginning had been to at least get the blessing of the club and at best, get them involved. So this really was the dream start!
Jan then got to work reaching out to people, the next thing we know we are having conversations with Derek Rae, who kindly offers to help us in whatever way he can! If you checked out our pinned tweet, you’ll see that he lent us his voice. What more could we ask for?
You may well wonder what on earth I do? Well, I do a lot of talking and writing, so I’ve been on some local podcasts talking about mental health and doing a lot of networking. As a small business owner, I understand the power of talking about what we’re doing. I am a trained coach and work with people on mindset issues, so for me, this is just an extension of what I already know and love.
But clearly, that wasn’t enough excitement for us at all! René Marić started following us (I think Derek was nearly lost for words at this point!)
The first month was just crazy!
Of course, now, I am writing this and we’re talking about getting involved in some of the BVB podcasts if we can. We’ve run a couple of giveaways too, one with the club and one of our own. We’re also planning our first merchandise line, the idea being that this will help fund the creation of a website so that we can support even more people. Because we’re self-funded right now, we’re limited to small scale actions, but that doesn’t mean they’re not having a massive impact.
The ultimate goal for us is to build a global support network.
The idea is that we have people on the ground who know exactly what support services are available in each location. If there is anyone in crisis, then we can direct them to who they can get the best support from. We will still be around to talk when people need it. But we are very much aware that there are people who need so much more than just talk, after all, all three of us have been there.
Just over four months since we started, we know that this has the potential to reach and help so many people. The project began with Dortmund fans, but in all honesty, it could be any fan of any club. We’re just three normal fans, who happen to have mental health issues. Who we, or indeed you, are really doesn't matter. There are no walls here, just the ones that we create ourselves. Don’t you think it’s about time we started to break them down, we certainly do!
So if this has inspired you to do something, then my advice would be to just do it! There is a massive need for support around mental health, no matter what angle you take. Even if it’s just checking in on your mates.
If you feel like you need to sound someone out about starting a similar project, you know where to find me!
